I learned an important lesson today. Well,
not really learned. Solidified, I guess. And this important lesson is that it’s
not always my fault. Yes, I know this sounds like a simple one; everyone makes
mistakes. Yet for me, accepting this past a mere mental knowledge is much
easier said than done. You see, I like to internalize things. I normally take
the fault in relationships and just assume that I did something incorrect. But
I realized tonight that this is not a healthy way of living or maintaining
relationships.
I was texting a friend and having a hard
time understanding why she was acting the way that she was. She had canceled on
me twice in the past two days with what I considered to be lame excuses both
times. I quickly asked my mother what the correct thing to do was when you
wanted to fix something with someone but you had absolutely no idea what the
problem was to which, of course, she replied, “You ask them.” So, I promptly
texted my friend back and asked her what was the problem. She quickly cleared
my confusion over one of the problems. It was merely a matter of
miscommunication. But this made me think about other incidents we had had in the past. We have never had any major fights, but there have been times when she has done things that have just baffled me. And somehow, when I make up my mind to be more confrontational and confront her about it, I always end up feeling like it’s my faut. I usually come up with excuses like, “Maybe I shouldn’t have made such a big deal about that...” or “Maybe I should have just let that one slide...” So I did what I normally do when confused about life and such: I consulted my mom. I told her my predicament and ended my ranting with the slightly melodramatic, “If I can’t even manage my friendships, how in the world am I ever supposed to manage a relationship?!”
“It’s not a matter of ‘managing your friendships,’” she said. “It’s a matter of correctly communicating how you feel.” Of course. All adults contribute problems in any relationships to miscommunication. But the more she talked, the more I saw where she was coming from. “I don’t think she [your friend] knows how to communicate sometimes. If she would have simply told you why she didn’t want to hang out instead of making excuses, you may have not gotten your feelings hurt.”
I stopped to think about what she said for a minute. When I think back to the other times we’ve had these tiffs, it seems like it was always a problem of miscommunication. No, not always on her part—sometimes on mine, too. But examining the current situation, I don’t think the miscommunication was on my part this time—it was on hers. Which actually made me feel better. I cannot possibly believe that all problems are my fault and always feel like I’m the one who needs to apologize. It’s foolish to never admit when you’re wrong, but it’s also foolish to believe that you’re always the one at fault.
Especially as I reach adulthood and the point where I will hopefully soon (probably not, though...) begin looking for a husband, I realize how important it is to learn good communication skills (gasp, I said it!) I am an extremely nonconfrontational person who DOES NOT like to talk about her feelings, so it is very difficult for me even to say something simple like, “Hey, you hurt my feelings.” But alas, these are important lessons that I need to learn, and I think this is a good place to start. Because while being able to admit that you’re wrong is a sign of maturity, so is being able to free yourself of blame. And that, my friends, is a liberating feeling.
